Of sickness bugs and horse farms
by ditzie-blonde
Summary: How one afternoon shaped Elizabeth McCord's decision about taking the Station Chief's job in Baghdad. Set after the flashback kitchen scene in the Season 1 Finale.
1. Chapter 1

_So I've been reading a lot of great stories on here recently and they inspired me to start writing again after a break of several years. This idea popped into my head last weekend after watching "There But For The Grace of God" and I just had to write it down. It's Elizabeth's thoughts on how she made her decision to quit the CIA rather than go to Iraq. In the flashback scene with her and Henry in the kitchen she seemed so excited about the job, but she doesn't seem like the type of character who would quit her job because her husband gave her an ultimatum, so I thought I would explore her decision making process a bit. It is a long story but it sort of just flowed as I was typing it and I couldn't figure out where to put chapter breaks so I thought I'd post it as a one-shot, albeit a very long one! I hope you enjoy..._

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"If you go, I don't know what it'll look like when you get back"

Henry's words resonated around the kitchen as he turned and walked away leaving Elizabeth in stunned silence. Elizabeth barely had time to comprehend his statement before her phone rung, seeing who the caller was she knew she had no choice but to answer.

"Conrad, hi".

"Have you made a decision yet?" her boss demanded.

Elizabeth gulped. After her exchange with Henry she was in no position to answer her boss. She wanted the job, but she wanted Henry too.

"I thought I had until Monday" she stated in a calm, controlled voice. A voice that did not remotely correlate to how she was feeling at the moment.

"Elizabeth, things are happening faster than I thought. I've had to relieve the current station manager of his duties, I need your answer sooner rather than later."

"Um, Henry and I are still discussing..." she began but trailed off as she heard the front door slam. Immediately she was overcome with panic. Henry couldn't be...not now...surely?

"Conrad, I've got to go" she stated as she hung up the phone and raced to the front door.

"Henry!" she exclaimed as she threw open the front door and called out to husband who was just getting into their car.

Hearing his name being called Henry turned round with a surprised look on his face "What?" he questioned.

"Where...?" Elizabeth started, her voice catching at the sight of her husband evidently leaving her.

"I'm going to pick up the kids from horseriding" he informed her, slightly confused by her panicked expression.

"Oh, right" she said, relief flooding through her body. "I'll see you in a bit" she said rather awkwardly as she realised how she'd over reacted.

"Bye" she heard Henry call as she turned away and shut the door behind her. She couldn't watch him drive off the driveway, not after what he'd just said.

Elizabeth returned to the kitchen to finish preparing lunch. Had Henry really just given her an ultimatum? Their family or her job? Didn't he understand that she had to go to Baghdad, she had to make the world a better place for their kids to grow up in. She couldn't let them grow up in a world where planes could be hijacked and flown into buildings killing thousands of people. She couldn't let them grow up in a world where her beloved country thought torture was ok to get what they wanted. She couldn't let them grow up in a world full of destruction and hatred.

She wasn't naive, she didn't think that she herself could fix Iraq. But she could help. She'd been to Baghdad, she'd met the Iraqi people. The majority of the Iraqis wanted peace, they wanted their country to succeed - they just needed help doing it and she could help. If she could succeed in Iraq then her children would be one step closer to living in a safe, peaceful world. A world in which they could go to work and not have to worry about planes being flown into their office, or a dirty bomb being unleashed on the subway, or a nuclear attack, or a suicide bomber. The longer she thought about it the more angry she became with Henry. She wasn't going to Baghdad for her, she was going to secure the future for their children, for their children's children - why couldn't he understand that?

So distracted was she by her thoughts that she didn't hear Henry pull into the driveway and was startled when she heard the front door open and the sound of her daughter's arguing and what sounded like Jason crying. Curious she moved toward the hallway.

"Mummy!" Jason shrieked as soon as he saw her and all but threw himself towards her from his father's arms. If it wasn't for her Henry's marine training and her quick reactions she was pretty sure her son would have fallen to the floor.

Casting a concerned look at Henry as she took a wailing Jason from her husband's arms she could see the signs of stress on his face. "He's been crying for you ever since I picked him up" he informed her as they juggled their son, his attention turning to his arguing daughters once Jason was safely in his mother's arms.

"What's the matter baby?" she gently asked her son as she smoothed the hair off his forehead, noting that it felt rather warm.

"Mummy, I don't feel good..."

No sooner had the last word left Jason's mouth then she felt his warm vomit all over the front of her t-shirt. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and swallowed down her own nausea. She was a CIA Analyst, a trained interrogator and negotiator. She'd dealt with the worst of humanity, ordered things to be done to people that she never thought she would, seen things that no one should have to see; but she could not deal with vomit.

"Ew gross!"

Henry's turned his attention back to his wife as he heard his daughter's exclamation, to see her visibly paled and covered in sick holding an almost hysterical Jason.

"Babe, you ok?" he asked with concern, knowing his wife's aversion to vomit.

"Yeah" she whispered as she opened her eyes and focused on her husband. "I'm going to take us upstairs to get cleaned up. You'll get the girls their lunch?" she asked quietly, fighting down a wave of nausea as the smell of vomit hit her nostrils. At least her shirt had taken the whole hit meaning the carpet had been saved.

"Sure. Come on girls" he said as he ushered his daughter's towards the kitchen, his arm squeezing her shoulder in support as he went by.

Turning her attention back to Jason she tried to soothe him as best she could as she carried him upstairs. If she didn't calm him down she knew he would be sick again.

"Shhh, baby. It's ok, Mummy's here" she whispered against his forehead as he sobbed uncontrollably into her shoulder and snuggled himself against her soiled clothes. Elizabeth tried not to cringe at the sensation and forced her focus to stay on her son.

She went straight into the bathroom and started the task of trying to shed her and Jason's clothes, but Jason would not let go of her.

"No Mummy!" he shrieked as she tried to set him on the counter "Mummy no!"

"Come on baby" Elizabeth coaxed "We need to get out of our clothes and you'll feel better after a bath"

"No! No bath!" Jason shrieked, increasing his distress. "Just Mummy!" he screamed as he tightened his grip around her neck.

Elizabeth sighed. How could she have been so stupid as to mention a bath? Recently Jason had been going through his bath avoidance phase and she'd just made everything worse by mentioning the bath. Despite the situation she had to refrain from chuckling when she realised she was going to have to use her best CIA negotiation skills if she wanted to get Jason into the bath.

"Jason. The bath will make you feel better I promise" she whispered into his ear as she gently tried to coax his arms from her neck.

"No" he stated adamantly against her shoulder and she could feel his head shake against her neck as his little arms tightened further.

"You can have bubbles" she coaxed, causing a slight pause in Jason's sobs.

"Special bubbles?" he mumbled against her shoulder after a moment, calming somewhat.

For reasons unbeknownst to her, Jason adored the smell of her most expensive bubble bath, the stuff she only used on the most special of occasions. Today seemed like one of those days.

"Yes, special bubbles" Elizabeth agreed.

"And big bubbles" Jason asked hopefully.

Elizabeth refrained from sighing. She really did not want to bathe Jason in her and Henry's ensuite, but the bath in their bathroom did have a jacuzzi setting and they sometimes let their kids use the jacuzzi as a treat.

"Big bubbles too" she agreed. So much for being a top CIA negotiator, so far her son was getting everything and she had nothing.

"Mummy come too?" Jason asked as he shifted and peaked at his mother.

"Mummy will come too" she acquiesced, she could probably do with a bath given the fact that Jason's squirming had done nothing to help the vomit situation on her own clothes and body.

"'Kay" Jason finally agreed, his cries now reducing to sniffles.

Carrying Jason into her and Henry's ensuite she turned on the bath taps and then gently deposited Jason on the counter. This time he let her and she managed to strip them both, despite how clingy Jason was being. She was quite proud of herself that she even managed to swill the soiled garments out in the sink whilst she waited for the bath to fill, thankful that the fragrance from the bubble bath was masking the smell of their clothes. At that moment the bubble bath was worth every cent.

"Come on baby" she said once the bath filled as she lifted both herself and Jason into the lukewarm water knowing that the cool bath would help Jason's temperature.

Jason settled into her lap and she let herself just enjoy the moment as she held him. It was so rare nowadays that Jason let her hold him like this and she missed it. As far as he was concerned he was a "big boy" now and big boys didn't need their mummy's - until they were ill that is, or got a boo boo, or got into a fight with their sisters. She held her youngest child against her watching him giggle as he played with the bubbles, the bubbles providing enough of a distraction that she could sponge him down with the cool water without him getting distressed. A small smile formed on her lips as she thought that anyone seeing them now would have no clue that Jason had been in full on meltdown only 10 minutes before.

"Mummy, you said we could have big bubbles" Jason reminder her after several minutes, looking up at her with big doeful eyes - Henry's eyes - and a stab of pain ran through her as she remembered their earlier exchange about Baghdad, about how Jason wouldn't even remember her.

"You're right, sweetheart" she said as she switched on the jacuzzi setting in the bath.

Almost immediately the sound of Jason's giggles filled the bathroom and her heart filled with warmth and love, she couldn't help but hold him a little closer. Her mind couldn't help but wonder if going to Baghdad would be worth it to miss moments like this. Her babies wouldn't be babies forever, heck, two of her babies were already in school and Stevie would be starting middle school in the fall.

She was brought out of her reverie as she felt Jason's body sag against her and she looked down to see his eyelids dropping heavily. It seemed that this bug was really starting to take a hold of Jason.

"Come on baby, time to get out" she whispered as she tightened her hold around Jason and felt her son do the same as she lifted them out of the bath together. Jason was barely awake now and drying him off proved a challenge as he returned to his clingy state. Somehow she managed to wrap herself in her dressing gown and Jason in a towel before she headed out of the bathroom, surprised to see Alison standing in her bedroom.

"Hey noodle" she greeted softly, cautious of not disturbing Jason "What've you got there?"

"I made you a sandwich, mummy. Daddy said I could bring it to you, it's a fluffynutter" she answered proudly.

Eating was the last thing Elizabeth felt like doing but there was no way she was going to let that small proud smile disappear from her youngest daughter's face.

"Thank you noodle, that's very thoughtful" she said as she took the plate out of her daughter's hand and placed it on the bedside table, realising as she did so that she had no clean clothes for Jason in her room. "Could you also be mummy's helper and get Jason some pyjamas from his room?" she asked her daughter kindly.

"'Kay!" Alison exclaimed joyfully and a wave of gratitude rushed through Elizabeth that she had been blessed with such a kind and gentle daughter. Alison might be the worrier in the family, but she was also her sweetest child.

She carefully laid Jason on her bed, his tiny face screwing up as he realised she'd let go of him.

"Mummy..." he moaned, reaching up to try and grab her.

"Shhh Jason, mummy's here. I just need to put some clothes on and then I'll be right back. I'm not going anywhere" she soothed as she stroked his cheek, her voice catching on the last word as she realised she might be going somewhere, somewhere very far away, very soon.

Elizabeth had just enough time to throw on some old clothes - because she had a feeling that if one of her children had a sickness bug, they would all be coming down with it - before Alison came running back into the room with Jason's pyjamas.

"Got them Mummy!" she exclaimed gleefully.

"Thank you noodle" Elizabeth said as she took the clothes out of Alison's hand and hastily dressed Jason in them with only minimal protest from her son, indicating just how poorly he was.

Picking Jason up with the intention of placing him in his own bed she was surprised to see Alison still standing in the doorway looking rather awkward.

"What's up, noodle?" she enquired with concern.

Alison looked at the floor and started fidgeting "Um, you said you'd help me with my homework, mummy".

A shot of pain ran through Elizabeth's heart as she remembered Alison's homework. She had to put together her family tree and she needed photo's of her grandparents and her uncle. She remembered when Stevie had had the same assignment and the bittersweet memories of going through her old photo albums to find pictures of her family. Henry had done his side of the family with Alison last night and she'd promised to do her side of the family with her this afternoon. Feeling Jason snuggle further into her arms Elizabeth had an idea.

"Why don't you go and ask Daddy to bring up the photo albums and we'll sit on the bed and find you some photos?" she said brightly, not wanting to let her daughter know how pained she felt having to look through the old photos of her parents.

"'Kay!" Alison exclaimed brightly as she ran out of the room and downstairs to her father.

Elizabeth pulled back the duvet and settled in the bed with Jason's head in her lap as she tucked him into her side, his little arm snaking around her leg and gripping it surprising tight as he fell to sleep almost immediately. She brushed her hand through his hair as she heard her daughter come running back upstairs and throwing herself on her parents massive bed, Henry not far behind.

"Thought you might need this too" he said as he deposited the photo albums and the sick bowl next to Elizabeth. "How's he doing?"

"Thanks" she said softly, her stomach churning at the thought of the sick bowl having to be used. "He hasn't been sick again but he still has a temperature" she said taking in her son's flushed cheeks.

At this Henry turned and went into their ensuite, returning moments later with a cool, damp washcloth for Jason. He gently placed it on his son's head and Elizabeth would be lying if she said her heart didn't skip a beat as she watched how tender and loving Henry was being with Jason. She also noticed he'd picked up the dirty clothes and the sandwich from the bedside table and a wave of gratitude washed over her that Henry would take care of it.

"You sure you're ok to do this?" Henry asked with concern.

"Yeah, I got through it with Stevie, I can get through it with Alison" she replied with a weak smile looking up into Henry's eyes. Despite the concern in his voice she could still see the anger from this morning lurking beneath and she swallowed thickly.

"Well, I'll be downstairs with Stevie helping her with her homework if you need me" he said as he departed.

Alison had been busy spreading out the chart she had started with her father last night and Elizabeth couldn't help but swallow thickly as she saw Henry's side of the family. So big. So alive. So...modern. Her side had nothing but a box for her parents and her brother and the last pictures of her parents were from the early 80's before the accient. Her side of the family was going to look so out of place compared to Henry's, but she wasn't going to let Alison fail her assignment because of her discomfort. She needed to do this for her daughter so she would do it with her no matter how much it hurt.

"Come on noodle, let's see if we can find you a picture of Granddad and Grandma Adams and Uncle Will" she stated brightly as Alison snuggled into her other side and opened the first album across her lap.

Together mother and daughter turned the pages of the photo album and Elizabeth found herself actually enjoying the time as she told her daughter as many stories as she could about her parents and her brother, revelling in hearing her daughter giggles.

"Mummy, why are there so many pictures of horses in here?" Alison asked quizzically.

Elizabeth turned to look at her daughter in surprise "Because I grew up on a horse farm, noodle" she stated plainly.

Alison squealed and quickly leapt onto her knees to face her mother "You grew up on a horse farm!" she exclaimed excitedly.

Elizabeth looked at her daughter with confusion. Had she really never told her daughter about where she grew up? Alison was obsessed with horses, she constantly begged her parents for more horse riding lessons and her own horse, how could she not have told her daughter that? "Yes noodle, Granddad and Grandma Adams owned a horse farm, that's were Uncle Will and I grew up".

"Mummy! That's so coo..."

Alison suddenly went very quiet and it was only then that Elizabeth noticed how flushed Alison was. In an instant she knew what was going to happened and she reached for the sick bowl.

"Mumm..." Allison began before the sickness took over and she retched into the bowl.

Elizabeth flinched and felt her own stomach turn as she tried to comfort her daughter as best she could.

"That's it noodle, get it all up. It's going to be ok" she soothed as she rubbed her daughter's back, grateful that her daughter's long dark hair was still in a french plait from her horse riding lesson. Just a minute later Alison was back curled up in her mother's side sobbing.

"I know baby, I know" she consoled whilst fighting her own nausea , conscious that Jason was only inches away from the now used bowl. She needed to get Alison cleaned up, into pyjamas, and into bed but she couldn't with both her son and youngest daughter glued to her sides.

"Henry!" she called, hoping the loud noise wouldn't wake Jason.

Not 30 seconds later Henry appeared in her doorway and she cast him a helpless look.

"Both of them?" he enquired, to which she simply nodded.

"Come on noodle, lets get you into your PJ's and into bed" he spoke softly as he reached to lift his daughter out of their bed.

"No, I want mummy!" she protested weakly as she continued to sob into her mother's shoulder and grabbed her mother's arm tightly.

Elizabeth looked down at Jason and was relieved to see that he was in a deep sleep. "Henry, Jason's out of it. I think if you can get the bowl and move the albums I can help Alison with her pyjamas..."

"No mummy, I want to stay here with you!" Alison sobbed.

"I know, sweetheart. We'll just get you changed into your pyjamas and then you can come right back here and snuggle with me and Jason" she soothed softly, stroking her daughter's cheek.

"Promise?" she sniffled looking into her mother's eyes earnestly.

"Promise." Elizabeth said with a warm smile. At this moment in time there was nowhere else she'd rather be than snuggled in bed with her children, and once again she wondered what she would miss out on if she was out of their lives for a year.

She didn't have time to contemplate the thought any further as Alison started to move from the bed and Henry removed the bowl and albums from his wife's lap. Elizabeth gently unwrapped Jason's small arms from around her leg and quietly scooted towards Alison. As soon as she was out of bed Alison lifted her arms indicating she wanted to be carried, which Elizabeth acquiesced to as she simply didn't have the strength to argue with her sobbing daughter. She moved softly towards her daughter's bedroom as her daughter cried into her neck, offering words of reassurance as she went.

Not 5 minutes later she was carrying her pyjama clad daughter back to hers and Henry's room, relieved to see that Jason was still asleep and that Henry had cleaned the sick bowl out for her and had prepared a cool washcloth for Alison. With some difficulty Elizabeth arranged herself back on her bed and within seconds Jason was snuggled against her side again and his arm had wrapped itself around her leg. She smoothed her hand over his angelic face as Alison tucked herself into her other side and Henry gently placed the washcloth on Alison's forehead.

"You ok, noodle?" Henry asked with concern.

"Yes" Alison replied in a small voice as she pressed herself closer to her mother's side.

A stab of pain went through Elizabeth's heart as she heard her daughter's small voice. Had it only been 10 minutes ago that her daughter was jumping up and down on her bed in excitement as they talked about horses? She hated it that her kids were sick, every fibre in her body wanted to take the illness away. Despite her vomit aversion she would quite happily take on all of their bugs if it meant her kids didn't have to suffer.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" she asked kindly thinking that her daughter deserved a treat, but was dismayed when a look of distress crossed her daughter's face.

"But I haven't found a picture of Granddad and Grandma Adams?" Alison replied in a voice bordering on a cry as she looked up at Elizabeth with tears in her eyes.

"It's ok, noodle. We'll will write you a note to explain you were too ill to do your homework this weekend" Henry replied soothingly.

"No daddy, I have to do my homework!" Alison all but wailed as she turned to her father "And I want to hear more stories about the horsies! Mummy, will you tell me stories?" Alison finished as she turned back to look at her mother earnestly.

Elizabeth gulped. Jason may have Henry's eyes, but Alison had Elizabeth's mother's eyes and it sometimes took her breath away when Alison looked at her. Just now had been one of those moments.

"We can look at the pictures if you feel up to it, noodle" she agreed gently as she squeezed her daughter's shoulder comfortingly. "Henry, can you..." she asked as she looked up into his eyes and gestured towards the albums that he had moved to the end of the bed earlier.

Henry simply nodded and moved the albums back into Alison and Elizabeth's laps.

"Thanks" she whispered as Henry nodded and left the room. She couldn't help but notice the closed expression he wore towards her and their conversation from this morning played through her head once again _"If you go, I don't know what it'll look like when you get back"_.

"Mummy, how many horsies did you have?" Alison asked inquisitively as she leafed through the album drawing Elizabeth's attention back to her daughter.

"Well I had my own horse, as did Uncle Will, Grandma Adams, and Granddad Adams, so that's 4, but we also looked after horses for other people and bred horses to sell, so in total I think we had about 50 horses" Elizabeth replied as she turned her attention back to her daughter

"50 horses!" Alison exclaimed, looking up at her mother with wide eyes causing Elizabeth to smile softly.

"Yeah. Uncle Will and I used to have to help muck out the stables every day after school and on Saturday mornings, but we were always allowed to go riding for at least an hour afterwards" Elizabeth reminisced fondly.

"An hour every day!" Alison exclaimed, but with less enthusiasm this time. Elizabeth looked down at her daughter and noted her drooping eyelids and thought it wouldn't be long until Alison fell asleep.

Conscious that her daughter wanted to finish her homework and knowing that it wouldn't be long until she fell asleep, Elizabeth surreptitiously started turning the pages of the photo album quicker, a memory of a picture that would be perfect for Alison popping into her head.

"Yep. And in the holidays Grandma Adams would take us out riding all day. She would pack a picnic and we would gallop out onto the land for hours before we'd stop in a field and unpack our lunch."

Elizabeth stopped turning the pages of the album as her eyes fell on the picture she was thinking of. It had been taken on a Labour Day weekend only a few weeks before her parents had died. On that particular day her father had joined them for their horse ride and the photo depicted her mother, father, and Will sprawled out on a blanket, a half eaten picnic between them, and their four horses tethered in the background happily eating the grass. Everyone looked so happy and relaxed, even her rebellious teenage brother was smiling in the photo. Little did they know that only a few short weeks later their world would be devastated. It was one of the last photos she had taken of her parents, probably the last she had taken of her family together. It was a bittersweet memory.

"How about this one, noodle?" she asked her youngest daughter as she felt Alison lay against her more heavily and knowing it wouldn't be long before sleep claimed her like it had her brother "This is Granddad Adams and this is Grandma Adams, and you know Uncle Will".

"I like it" Alison replied sleepily and Elizabeth removed the photo from the album and placed it on Alison's family tree poster. She would let Alison label the poster tomorrow when she would hopefully be feeling better.

She felt her little noodle yawn and snuggle closer into her side. Elizabeth rested her head back against the headboard and let memories of her parents wash over her as she left Alison to drift to sleep. She was surprised when a few minutes later Alison's sleepy voice disturbed her from her reverie.

"How did they die?"

Elizabeth was taken aback by the question and swallowed as memories of that fateful day rushed back to her. "There was an accident" she whispered as she stroked both her son and daughter's heads as she looked down at her beautiful children. Sleep had claimed them both now and she couldn't stop the memories as they rushed back to her. The police turning up at her school, Will and her being kept at the police station until the early hours of the next morning whilst they tried to find her uncle. Her body deciding that that was the day she would start her period and the cringeworthy moment she had to tell one of the policewomen what had happen and trying to figure out her to use the sanitary towel she had been given. When her uncle had finally arrived he had simply told them there had been a fire at the farm which had killed her parents. Nothing more had been said about the incident and Will and her had never returned to the property, her clothes had been packed up and sent to boarding school and the rest of her belongings were sent to storage at her uncle's house.

When she'd turned 18 she'd tried to find out more information about the accident, but apparently the police report had been lost. It was only after she had been working at the CIA for several years and had just fallen pregnant with Stevie that she started to investigate her parents death, an almost obsessive need to know what had happened to them now that she was carrying her own child. She'd been surprised to find out that her parents had been CIA operatives, that their frequent trips to Ireland had not just been about horses and their horse farm, but that they had been trying to infiltrate the IRA. There had been much suspicion over the cause of the fire at the farm, but ultimately it had been determined that nothing more sinister than an electrical fault had caused the fire that had trapped her parents at the back of the stables with no way out. To this day she wished she hadn't read the file or seen the autopsy photos, the only comfort she could take from that file was that her parents had been wrapped in each other's arms when they died. She often wondered if her parents were the reason she had been recruited into the CIA.

Hearing footsteps on the stairs and Stevie's tearful voice, she wiped the tears from her own eyes as Henry walked into their bedroom.

"3 for 3?" she asked already knowing the answer and moving the photo album and Alison's homework to the end of the bed causing Alison to groan in her sleep.

"Yep" Henry replied simply "Stevie is getting changed into her PJ's and I said she could watch a movie up here whilst I clean up downstairs...she didn't quite make it to the sink in time".

Elizabeth felt her stomach turn at the thought of Stevie being sick as she watched Henry walk to their TV and start setting up the DVD player. She busied herself soothing Alison back into a deep sleep whilst she settled against the headboard and moments later a tearful Stevie walked into her room and flopped on the bed draping herself across Elizabeth's lap and legs.

"I'm sorry, mum" she sobbed "I tried to get to the sink..."

"Shhh, baby. I know, it's ok. It was an accident, it's not your fault" she soothed her eldest daughter as she stroked her head and felt Stevie's tears soak through her jogging bottoms. "You can watch a movie up here until you feel better, what do you fancy watching?" Elizabeth asked kindly.

Stevie's tear stained face peered up at her and Elizabeth was taken aback at just how grown up and so young her daughter looked all at the same time. She couldn't help but be reminded of the fact that her daughter would be starting middle school in the autumn whilst she'd be in Iraq. Would her daughter forgive her for not being there on her first day of school? Could she get her daughter to understand why she was going away?

"Can we watch Mulan?" Stevie asked timidly.

Internally Elizabeth groaned. Mulan had been the first film that Henry and she had taken Stevie to see at the cinema and every since it had been Stevie's favourite film. She was pretty sure it had played continually in their house from the day they brought the DVD until the day that Alison was old enough to start arguing that she wanted to watch her favourite movie. But Stevie was ill and Alison was asleep, as was Jason, so she'd let her daughter watch her favourite movie even though she was sure she could recite every word and lyric in the movie off by heart.

"Sure sweetheart" she replied brightly, impressing herself with the amount of enthusiasm her voice carried, as she wiped the tears from Stevie's face.

Stevie cast her a brief smile before she turned her head and snuggled it in her mother's lap and stretched out her body along Elizabeth's legs.

Hearing the movie start to play Elizabeth looked up at Henry "I'd help you, but I'm kinda tied up here" she stated helplessly with a shrug of her one free shoulder. Quite literally she was weighed down by her children. Jason was snuggled against her left hip with his arms warped around her thigh and the most angelic expression on his face. Alison's head rested on her right shoulder and she had curled herself into a tight ball against Elizabeth's ribs and waist with the cutest pout she had ever seen on her daughter's face. And now Stevie was sprawled across her legs and lap watching the movie.

"Guess we know who the favourite is" Henry joked, but Elizabeth's CIA analytical skills were not needed to detect the resentful undertone of his joke.

"Henry..." she began before he cut her off.

"I'll be downstairs" he said as he left the room.

Elizabeth sighed as she rested her head back on the headboard and her mood turned contemplative as the movie rolled on in the background. This morning she had been adamant that she was going to take the job in Baghdad, that she was going to change the world one unstable democracy at a time, that one year would not affect her kids lives. Conrad had told her she was the only one for the job, he was counting on her to do as she said in her report, he needed her. She was taking the job for the greater good and she couldn't understand why her husband had been so unsupportive. But laying in bed here, now, with her kids sprawled around her and her husband seemingly furious with her she couldn't help but wonder if going to Baghdad was right decision. Looking through her family photo album with Ali this afternoon had stirred all sorts of memories from when she was a teenager and how much she missed having a mother around. She thought back to the first year after her mother had passed away, how much she missed her and how angry she had been that she had left her, even though it wasn't of her choosing. But going to Baghdad was of Elizabeth's choosing, and what if something happened to her whilst she was there? Did she want her kids to grow up without a mother like she did?

Elizabeth was brought out of her reverie as Henry appeared in the doorway.

"They're all out?" he asked.

Elizabeth cast her eyes over her kids to see that all of them were now in a deep sleep. She chuckled to herself silently and marvelled at how a sickness bug could change things. Three hours ago her daughters had been full of spirit and arguing with each other and Jason had been screaming for her at the top of his lungs. Now they were passed out and looked like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.

"Looks like it" she replied. Remembering Henry's comment from before she continued, "I'm not their favourite Henry, you know tomorrow will be different. Today they wanted me, tomorrow they'll want you." she tried to reassure. "Join us?" she asked hopefully as she looked into Henry's eyes.

"I've got some..." Henry began before he was cut off.

"Please?" she asked again, almost pleading. Right now she just wanted her family around her. Thinking about her parents had made her feel so sad, and then her thoughts on Iraq were making her feel confused and anxious. Despite their argument this morning she needed the comfort of her husband next to her right now.

"Bet you can't wait to get to Baghdad after today" Henry sniped bitterly as he joined them on the bed. Hurt coursed through Elizabeth at his comment, this wasn't how they communicated with each other. They were open, honest - brutally so sometimes - but never catty. She decided to let it go, Henry was allowed to feel angry and he had been good with the kids and her today, plus right now she really didn't have the energy. If she went to Iraq he would have to deal with a lot more situations like this and a wave of guilt washed over her. She knew Henry was more than capable of looking after their kids, but wasn't it her job as a mother to be there to look after them, to protect them everyday, to make their own little world safe for them? The longest she'd ever been away from them was a month. Was the work in Iraq really going to make her kid's world safe?

Together they watched the movie in silence, Henry firmly on his side of the bed with his arms crossed. Elizabeth closed her eyes and fought back tears. She'd never felt so closed off from her husband, she could feel him brooding beside her, could feel his distress, his anger, his confusion, his hurt. She knew she needed to talk to him, to tell him the truth, to try and get him to understand.

"I thought I'd get fired" she said quietly, her eyes fixed on the TV.

"Huh?" Henry queried and out of the corner of her eye she could see him turn to face her, confusion written across his face. But she couldn't bring herself to face him as she continued.

"When I wrote that report, I thought I'd get fired. I mean, I wrote a report criticising the US government, telling them that their actions were wrong, pointing out just how many Geneva Conventions they were breaking, telling the government that we were as bad as our enemies. I thought they'd fire me, I even joked about it with Juliet as I waited for the lift to take me to Conrad's office. I was so sure they'd fire me. I didn't think...Promotion was the last thing I was expecting" she finished softly, turning to meet Henry's eyes.

"Why would you do something like that?" her husband asked her, confusion evident in his eyes.

Elizabeth looked away and stared into the distance "Because everything has changed. It's not the same CIA it was when I joined. The integrity has been lost, the ethics have gone. Everyone is so desperate to capture Bin Laden, to get revenge for what happened to those people in the Towers, in the Pentagon, and in United 93, to make up for our failures that lead to those people being killed, that no-one cares how it gets done" she whispered angrily.

"Elizabeth..." Henry began before she cut him off.

"You know what happened when I went to Baghdad. I don't want to be that person, Henry. I don't want to lose anymore of my integrity or beliefs. I don't know how much longer I can continue to compromise my ethics " she said, shame and fear leaking into her voice as she turned her head to double check her sweet, innocent children were still asleep. She knew this was not the best place to be having this conversation, but they were here having it regardless, and she was glad to see her beautiful children all in a deep sleep.

Elizabeth felt Henry squeeze her shoulder reassuringly and she turned her head towards him, her heart skipping a beat as she saw the compassion in his eyes.

"So quit." he said simply.

"I can't!" she exclaimed "I've never quit anything in my life..." she trailed off, her eyes imploring Henry to understand. She was an overachiever, she'd sailed through school having never received a grade lower than an A, she'd mastered Arabi and Farsi in a little under 2.5 years. Her Masters had been a welcome distraction whilst Henry was on deployment, and although her PhD had been hard work as Stevie was a baby, it had been an enjoyable challenge. She'd risen quickly through the ranks of the CIA, always getting the promotion when it arose. Heck, she'd even scored the perfect husband at 22 and 3 perfect children by the time she was 33. Surely Henry could understand that she couldn't quit? It wasn't in her nature.

"Elizabeth, do you want this job?" Henry asked her seriously.

She stared at her husband, her mouth agape, her brain trying to process everything. Did she want the job? She'd been so sure she would be fired that when Conrad had offered her the job, told her he was relying on her, that she was the only one who could do the job, she'd been so relieved that she still had a job - and a promotion no less - that she hadn't actually stopped to consider if she wanted it.

"You said you wrote that report thinking that you'd get fired, that it would be a way out, but it wasn't. So what do _you_ want Elizabeth?" her husband pushed.

"Conrad..." she began

"No, Elizabeth. This isn't about what Conrad wants, or what I want, this is about what _you_ want" Henry stated simply.

Visions of the last time she was in Baghdad ran through her head, colliding with images of Stevie snuggling against her legs, Alison jumping excitedly on the bed as she looked through the photo album, and playing with Jason in the bath just this afternoon. The latter were good memories, the former were not and she shivered as she replayed them in her head. Then the memories of the time with her own mother, followed by the teenage despair and angst about not having her mother around hit her.

Did she want this job?

Conrad had said he knew she wouldn't let him down; did she have it in her to let her friend, her mentor, her recruiter down? Did she want to continue working for an organisation that was now so unfamiliar to her, where anything was acceptable no matter what the cost?

Did she want to leave her children? Did she want to risk losing Henry, because he had been clear this morning that if she went he might not be there when she got back? A lot could happen in a year. People could change a lot in 12 months. Looking around at her sleeping children and then into Henry's honest, concerned eyes, realisation hit her.

"No" she whispered.

"Then you're going to have to quit, babe. There's a first time for everything" Henry confirmed, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly with a small smile on his face.

"You won't be mad at me for quitting?" Elizabeth asked in a small voice, cringing as she realised how childlike she sounded.

Henry peered into her eyes earnestly. "Remember what I said this morning. 'Where there's no integrity in the situation you find it in yourself to change the world right where you're standing'. That's what you're doing, babe. You're finding your integrity and who know how that will change the world? You can't deny that if you quit it will cause a ripple in the CIA, and a ripple is all it takes for a tsunami to grow. How could I be mad at you for that?"

Relief washed over Elizabeth at Henry's words. She didn't need her husband's permission to quit her job, their relationship never was and never would be one where one obeyed the other, they were a team, a partnership, but his words let her give herself permission to quit.

"Ok, so I'm going to quit" she confirmed, exhaling a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding or for how long she'd been holding it. For the first time since the planes hit the Towers she felt like she was doing something for her, not something that other people expected her to do.

"So, what are you going to do instead?" Henry queried.

"I don't..." Elizabeth began before her eyes glimpsed the photo albums and an idea popped into her head. "We're going to buy a horse farm" she stated matter of factly. If she was going to quit her job then she was going to give her children the childhood that had been taken from her. All her children loved horse riding and she couldn't think of a better way to raise her kids.

"A horse farm, huh?" Henry asked with amusement until he saw the look on her face. "You're serious?"

"Yes, it'll be great. We can all get horses and the kids can..." she began enthusiastically before she felt a disturbing tightening in her stomach. "Henry!" she exclaimed in a panicked tone.

Noticing his wife's suddenly rosy complexion and the fear in her eyes he quickly grabbed the sick bowl and had just got it in place as his wife heaved.

Elizabeth closed her eyes as she felt her stomach contract and the bile rise up her throat. With the way the kids were positioned it was hard for her to move and her stomach contracted painfully as it tried to rid itself of its contents. She felt Henry rub her back and heard his words of reassurance.

"It's ok babe, you're going to be ok"

Once her stomach had been emptied and she was resting back againt the headboard she opened her eyes and looked up at her husband. "4 for 4" she offered with a weak smile and Henry leaned forward to brush a tender kiss on her forehead. She knew she should scold him for kissing her when she was sick, but she just didn't have the energy. She watched her husband move to the ensuite to deal with the bowl and return with a damp washcloth that he promptly placed on her forehead, the coolness feeling heavenly on her heated skin. He lowered himself back onto the bed, this time wrapping his arm around her shoulders and she knew in that moment that everything was going to be ok.

All it had taken was a sickness bug , a photo album, a horse farm, and an afternoon in bed with her family to make her realise what she wanted in life and she couldn't be happier. Maybe she couldn't save the whole world, but she was going to change her family's world right from where she was standing - and for now that was enough.

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 _So congratulations for making it to the end! I hope you enjoyed it. Feedback appreciated and happy to accept constructive criticism._

 _As I was writing this I had an idea of doing a sort of mirror piece of Henry's thoughts and feeling during the same afternoon after their fight, so if you'd be interested in reading that let me know and I'll have a go at channelling my inner Henry!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for everyone that read and reviewed this. Here's my shot at Henry's take on the situation and I have to say it was march harder to do than I thought! I've edited, changed, and added to this chapter so many times that its got to the point that I just need to get it published before I give up. It's also a lot longer than Elizabeth's perspective so make sure you're comfortable before you start reading! I hope you enjoy..._

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"If you go, I don't know what it'll look like when you get back" Henry McCord all but yelled at his wife. A split second later surprise and shock washed over him as his brain registered the words that had just come out of his mouth, that he'd all but told the love of his life that if she went to Baghdad he would not be there for her when she got back. He saw the shocked and hurt expression on Elizabeth's face and panic started to wash over him, he needed to get out of the kitchen before he said anything else he'd regret.

Turning he stormed off and up the stairs into their bedroom to get dressed, distantly hearing her phone ring in the background. That small non-descript sound brought his anger back to the surface. How could Elizabeth even consider leaving them for a year? How could the woman who had insisted on having a desk job at Langley so she could be with her family now want to go to the other side of the world for a year? What had happened to the woman he loved, to her commitment to their family? He just felt so hurt, and slightly betrayed, that his wife was even seriously considering this job opportunity - if it could even be called that.

Glancing at the time he cursed to himself knowing that if he didn't leave within the next 5 minutes he'd be late to pick up the kids from horse riding. Throwing on an old pair of jeans, a tee-shirt, and a sweatshirt he headed out the front door and to his car, still too angry to even say goodbye to his wife, something they never did.

"Henry!"

Hearing Elizabeth's voice he turned around in surprise "What?"

"Where...?" his wife began before her voice trailed off.

"I'm going to pick up the kids from horseriding" he informed her, slightly confused by her panicked expression.

"Oh, right. I'll see you in a bit" she replied awkwardly.

"Bye" he called in return as got in his car and started the ride towards the equestrian centre.

He knew the drive by heart and went into autopilot as he guided the car along the road, his mind more distracted by their recent argument. He couldn't understand why his wife wanted to leave the family. Could she not see what damage this would do to them? He'd thought "Team McCord" was something she'd wanted? It was she, after all, who'd been the one to convince him to go for a third child only 5 years ago, a little after Alison had turned 1, and now she wanted to leave them for a year? Originally they'd planned on only having 2 children and he'd been perfectly happy with his two girls - he'd never had a particular longing to have his own son after his difficult relationship with his father - but Elizabeth had always wanted a son and it had been she who had convinced him to go for just one more child. Whilst he wouldn't swap Jason for the world, and now that he had a son he loved the difference between raising a boy and his two girls, he had to admit looking after three children was a lot harder than two and with his own job consulting for the Pentagon and trying to write his third book he wondered how he was going to cope for a year. Granted they had help with the children, and practically speaking as the kids got older things were easier - there were no pushchairs or changing bags with bottles, nappies, and changes of clothes to lug around - but as they got older emotionally it got tougher. Stevie and Alison were bickering more, Stevie was pre-pubescent and was already starting to show signs of teenage strops, and Jason was going through his clingy phase. In some ways his kids growing up was more stressful then when they were babies when most problems could be solved with food, cuddles, or a tickling session.

Reaching his destination he pulled into the yard, and is if on cue, he found Stevie and Alison shoving each other and Jason clinging to his teacher. Normally his kids were well behaved, or at least in public they were, but of course today had to be one of the bad days. He was already stressed and angry at Elizabeth and he didn't want to take it out on the kids, but after their argument last night and the continuation this morning he wasn't sure how much more he could take and it wasn't even lunch time yet. Sighing as he parked the car he exited the vehicle and braced himself for the onslaught of who had done what, who had said what, and who had pushed the other first.

"Daddy!" he heard Alison shout in delight as she stopped shoving her older sister and ran towards him. For a split second he forgot all about his earlier fight with Elizabeth, about his anger and stress, and he just held his arms open wide with a smile on his face as his youngest daughter ran to him for a hug.

"Hi Noodle!" he exclaimed happily as he lifted her up and placed a kiss on her cheek earning him a giggle in response. His heart melted at her rosy cheeks, bright smile, and eyes brimming with happiness just because he was there. This was the part of parenthood that made everything else worthwhile. "What did you get up to today?" he asked as he placed his dark haired daughter back on the ground.

"I beat Stevie!" Alison exclaimed.

"Only because you cheated!" Stevie replied with annoyance as she came up behind her little sister.

"Did not!" Alison replied.

"Did too!" came Stevie's angry response.

"Stevie, Alison scored higher than you today fair and square" came the firm, calm, authoritative voice of their riding teach, Samantha.

"Hi Samantha" he greeted warmly "I hope they haven't been too much trouble".

Samantha smiled with amusement, although Henry could detect the hint of stress around her eyes and he knew his kids had been playing up all morning, "Alison did exceptionally well today, Stevie still has a few jumps to master, and well, apparently she's not too happy about losing to her younger sister".

Stevie glared up at her teacher whilst Alison smiled bashfully at the praise.

"And this one" Samantha continued as she handed a whimpering Jason over to Henry "barely got on the horse before he started crying for his mother".

"I WANT MUMMY!" Jason screamed on cue.

"Shut up Jason! You're crying like a baby!" Stevie yelled.

"Yeah!" Alison chimed in.

"NO. I'M NOT A BABY! I WANT MUMMY!" Jason screamed again.

"Alright enough! Get in the car!" Henry shouted. Stevie and Alison jumped at the sound of their father's voice and immediately turned to get in the car, even Samantha jumped a little. Henry was not known for shouting, in fact he couldn't remember the last time he'd shouted at his kids and he started to feel a little guilty. Of course, his voice had had little effect on Jason.

"WHERE'S MUMMY" he screamed again.

"At home" he replied firmly at which Jason simply started crying harder.

"Sorry about all this" he said to Samantha as he smiled apologetically and awkwardly retrieved the money from his wallet and handed it to the instructor for the lesson.

"Don't worry about it" Samantha replied with a knowing smile "Good luck!" she said with a wink as she turned and walked away.

"Thanks!" he exclaimed ruefully before moving to car and strapping Jason into his car seat, checking that the girls were also fastened into their booster seats correctly at the same time.

He got into the driver's seat and braced himself for a difficult drive home as he put the car in gear and pulled out of the car park. Jason was still in full on tantrum mode and his daughters had already started bickering.

"Kids, seriously? Come on!" he exclaimed in frustration. "Jason, we'll be home in 20 minutes and you can see mummy then. Stevie, you heard what Samantha said, Alison did better than you today, you're just going to have to deal with it. And Alison..." he paused. Alison was the most sensitive of all his children and in situations like this she had to be handled delicately otherwise all her confidence would be blown. Even now in his rearview mirror he could see the proud smile had dropped from her face and her features were full of angst, her big beautiful eyes were wide open in worry "Alison" he began softly "You also heard what Samantha said, you did really well today and you should be proud" a stab of love running through Henry as that proud smile returned to her face "but goading your sister is not very good sportsmanship. You wouldn't like it if she teased you if you did badly, so don't tease her."

Alison paused and Henry held his breath waiting to see if his soft admonishment would end with tears or gentle acceptance by his youngest daughter.

"Ok daddy" she said softly, a tinge of sadness in her eyes as she turned to her older sister. "Sorry for teasing you". Henry said a silent prayer of thanks that his small admonishment to Alison hadn't caused another one of his children to meltdown.

Stevie just sat there with her arms crossed and Henry felt like growling in frustration. Sometimes his eldest daughter could be just as stubborn as her mother, in fact, Stevie was pretty much a miniature version of Elizabeth which most of the time was great - until times like these when it wasn't.

"Stevie. Accusing your sister of cheating is also not very good sportsmanship. She has apologised for teasing you and now you should accept her apology and apologise to her for accusing her of cheating" .

Stevie glared at him before reluctantly turning to her younger sister "Sorry for saying you cheated" she stated grumpily.

Henry sighed knowing that was the best he was going to get out of his eldest daughter so he let it be. At least the car was relatively quiet now, except for Jason who was still crying heavily. So far things were going better than he thought they would, that is until Stevie's patience with Jason finally snapped.

"JASON! SHUT UP!" she screamed.

"Don't shout at Jason, he's just a baby!" Alison defended her younger brother

"I'M NOT A BABY! I WANT MUMMY!" Jason yelled.

Henry sighed as the bickering started up again. He didn't have the energy to stop it this time and let the bickering and crying continue until he finally saw their driveway and house. Despite the animosity he knew no doubt existed behind the front door, home had never looked so good. Parking the car he ushered the kids out of it, except for Jason who insisted on being carried, and headed towards the front door.

"Mummy!" Jason shrieked as soon as he saw Elizabeth and all but threw himself towards his mother from Henry's arms. If it wasn't for his marine training and Elizabeth's quick reactions he was pretty sure his son would have fallen to the floor.

"He's been crying for you ever since I picked him up" he informed his wife coolly as they juggled their son, his attention turning to his arguing daughters once Jason was safely in his mother's arms.

"Girls, come on! You've been arguing all morning, can't we have a nice lunch and afternoon together?" he asked with exasperation as he took off his own shoes.

"Ew gross!" his daughters exclaimed together.

Henry's turned his attention back to his wife and saw that both she and Jason were now covered in vomit, Jason was crying hysterically, and Elizabeth had visibly paled. Despite his current feelings towards his wife over her job, compassion washed over him as he recalled his wife's aversion to sickness. He remembered each of Elizabeth's pregnancies and how she had been sick every morning for the first few months. Every morning he would hold her hair back and rub her back as she vomited and cried, hating what her body was doing to her - and the irrationality of pregnancy hormones of course causing her to blame him for the way she was feeling. The early stages of pregnancy were one of the few times he'd ever seen his wife look weak and vulnerable.

"Babe, you ok?" he asked with concern. She was very pale and he didn't want her to pass out.

"Yeah" she whispered as she opened her eyes and met his gaze. "I'm going to take us upstairs to get cleaned up. You'll get the girls their lunch?" she asked quietly.

"Sure. Come on girls" he said as he ushered his daughters towards the kitchen. He couldn't stop his hand from reaching out and squeezing her shoulder in support as he went by, as despite what he'd said this morning, he knew that he would always love her. Even if her job did lead to them splitting up, which was a frighteningly real possibility at the moment, he would always love her because if nothing else she had given him the three greatest gifts he could ever ask for - his children.

Walking into the kitchen the girls automatically started their chore of setting the table and he went to the fridge to look for the salad Elizabeth had prepared for them. He smiled fondly at his wife's attempt at funny faces that she had prepared from the ingredients in an effort to get the kids to eat their vegetables, it was little things like this that made him realise just how much she loved their children. But that thought soon caused his happiness to be overshadowed by a stab of pain when he realised that she would rather choose a war torn country than her own family, and a frown graced his features once again.

Having been through the mill a few times with sickness bugs he knew if one of his children had it, the chances were all of them would have it within the next 24 hours. He also knew that whatever meal his kids had eaten just before they were sick would not be eaten again for several months afterwards. He remembered Pastagate when the kids had been ill after eating the one edible dish - spaghetti with tomato sauce - that Elizabeth could cook. They'd refused to eat pasta for months and Elizabeth had been at her wits end when it came to cooking for her kids. They had a hard enough time getting the kids to eat vegetables as it was, let alone if that was the last meal they had eaten before they were sick. Inspiration struck him then.

"Girls, do you want fluffernutters for lunch?" he asked.

Both girls looked up at him with shocked expressions. Fluffernutters were only allowed on the most special of occasions and usually they had to have been good all day to earn them, today they both knew they had not been good. But if their dad was offering them their favourite sandwiches they were not going to turn them down.

"Yes!" they both exclaimed excitedly with wide open eyes.

"Ok, sit at the table and I'll make them for you. Help yourself to juice" he said as he tried to keep the smirk off his face. Was it mean of him that he was trying to get his kids to not like one of their favourite foods? Surely it could be justified by the fact that the marshmallow was full of sugar and therefore not good for them? He was too far in now so he decided to go for it as he found the peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.

He brought the sandwiches to the table - he'd made a ham and cheese for himself - and listened as the girls talked over their sandwiches. Evidently they were over this morning's horse riding lesson and were now onto talking about which teachers were and were not cool at school. He kept an ear out for Jason and was relieved to hear after about 10 minutes that his crying had finally stopped. Another 10 minutes later he heard the faint sound of the jacuzzi start up in their ensuite and he chuckled to himself as he realised just how much Elizabeth must have had to have bribe Jason to get into the bath. He was a typical boy in that respect, loving the dirt, never wanting to get cleaned up - even if he was covered in sick.

"Daddy?" he heard Alison ask, bringing him out of his reverie.

"Yes, Noodle?"

"Can I make a fluffernutter for Mummy?" she asked shyly. "'Cause she missed lunch 'cause Jason was sick"

"Of course you can sweetheart" he replied fondly as he ruffled her hair, causing her to giggle.

"Suck up!" Stevie stated meanly.

"Am not!" Alison exclaimed.

"Girls, enough" he warned and both quietened immediately. With one sick child and the situation with Elizabeth he could not deal with his daughters bickering as well this afternoon. "Stevie, clear the plates and wash up, Alison let's make that sandwich" he commanded as he lifted his youngest daughter onto the counter.

"Have you guys got any homework left to do?" he asked as they busied themselves with their tasks.

"I've got maths homework" Stevie replied sullenly.

"Mummy said she'd help me with my family tree" Alison replied.

Henry recalled how yesterday evening he'd done his side of the family tree with Alison and Elizabeth had promised to do hers this afternoon. He pondered whether Elizabeth would still be able to help her daughter now that Jason was sick, but thinking about it logically she would probably just put Jason to bed and she would be able to help Alison find some pictures. Plus, it would be best to get the kids homework done now before the sickness bug set in. He knew it would be hard for her, he remembered when she'd helped Stevie with her family tree just 4 short years ago and how upset she'd been in the evening, but he also knew that she would never break a promise to her children if she could keep it. Anger and hurt rushed through him suddenly as he realised she was indeed going to break a promise to their family by going to Baghdad for a year. He was not a vindictive man by nature, but suddenly he couldn't help but feel vindictive. Let her see what she was missing out on by going to Baghdad. Let her see just how much her kids needed her, how important she was to them. Let her see what she would be leaving him to do all alone. Their kids needed all the memories of their mum they could get if she was leaving them for at least a year so letting them spend the afternoon with her was the probably the best for them too.

"Why don't you go and ask Mummy if she can help you?" he said sincerely to Alison as he took his frustration out on finishing the sandwich and his little noodle jumped down from the counter with a thud.

"'Kay!" his youngest daughter replied as she carefully carried the sandwich and headed towards the stairs.

"Need any help with your maths?" he asked his eldest daughter. Stevie had been struggling with maths this year and was frequently in tears of frustration, it seemed that she didn't like her maths teacher, and if the latest parents evening had been anything to go by, her teacher didn't like Stevie either.

Stevie looked up at him hesitantly "Maybe a little..." she replied quietly.

"Ok, well why don't you go and get your books and we'll see what we can do" he replied encouragingly.

Stevie wondered off to get her books just as Alison came bounding back into the room "Daddy, can you take the photo albums upstairs? Mummy said we'll look through them on your big bed" his daughter asked him sweetly.

"Sure Noddle" he replied as he headed into the living room to retrieve the albums from the bookcase, before doubling back into the kitchen to retrieve the sick bowl thinking that Elizabeth might need it this afternoon. Minutes later he followed his youngest daughter upstairs and into his bedroom.

"Thought you might need this too" he said as he deposited the photo albums and the sick bowl next to Elizabeth. He noticed her flushed expression and the smell of her favourite bubble bath and realised she must have taken a bath with Jason too. A wave of amusement ran through him as he realised just how much Jason had Elizabeth wrapped around his little finger if he had managed to convince his mother to use her favourite bubble bath and the jacuzzi, but it was quickly replaced with anger when he realised that if she went away it would be at least a year before he smelt that smell in his bathroom again. "How's he doing?"

"Thanks" she said softly "He hasn't been sick again but he still has a temperature".

Concern washed over him and his brow creased in consternation as he saw Jason cuddled up next to his mother's side, his face flush with fever. He turned and headed into their ensuite and as he reached for a washcloth he saw Elizabeth's and Jason's clothes in the sink, he was surprised to find that Elizabeth had managed to rinse them out. Gathering the spoiled garments in his arms he ran the flannel under the cold water before returning to his bedroom and gently placing the cool cloth on his son's head. Seeing that Alison was safely ensconced in her parents bed he deftly picked up the sandwich from the bedside table and knew he had made the right decision to take the sandwich away at the grateful look his wife shot him. He was a little taken aback by the sadness in her eyes.

"You sure you're ok to do this?" he asked with concern. He may be feeling angry and hurt towards her at the moment, but he knew how difficult this afternoon was going to be for Elizabeth and he felt for her. Both his parents were still alive, and despite his difficult relationship with his father, he couldn't have imagined growing up without them in his life.

"Yeah, I got through it with Stevie, I can get through it with Alison" Elizabeth replied with a weak smile looking up into his eyes.

"Well, I'll be downstairs with Stevie helping her with her homework if you need me" he said as he departed. He couldn't look into her eyes anymore, the sadness he saw was making his heart ache and the anger and feeling of abandonment build. His wife was smart and unfortunately had lost her parents at a young age, why couldn't she see the damage that would be done to their children - to him - if she left them? A year in a 10 year old, 6 year old, and a 3 year olds life was a lifetime.

Returning to the kitchen, putting the dirty clothes in the washing machine as he went, he saw that Stevie had set out her maths books and had started her homework, tears of frustration already evident in her eyes. His heart broke a little at the sight.

"Hey, it's going to be ok. Here, let me have a look at the notes" he said kindly to his daughter as he sat down beside her giving her a gentle hug.

"I can't do it!" she half wailed, half sobbed as she flopped back in the chair.

He slid the notebook across the table and started reading his daughter's homework, his brow crinkling in confusion. Her homework was on co-ordinates, something he was an expert on given that he was a retired Marine Captain and had flown planes in the Corp for over 5 years, but the instructions Stevie's teacher had given her made absolutely no sense. He was absolutely baffled by the instructions and he felt for his daughter. He looked over the problems and realised that they were actually quite simple and something he knew his daughter was easily capable of doing.

"Stevie, it's easy all you have to do is this..." he explained the problems to Stevie calmly and within 10 minutes her tears were gone and she was attempting the problems herself. He checked the first few and was pleased to see that she'd got them right.

"See, I knew you could do it" he encouraged his daughter with a smile as he took in her proud expression. "You ok to do the rest while I do some studying?" he asked his daughter kindly.

Doubt came across her features "Will you check them afterwards?" she asked uncertainly.

He offered her a reassuring smile "Of course, sweetheart. You finish your homework and we'll go through it together afterwards. I used to work out co-ordinates everyday so I'm sure you can get an A for your homework" he encouraged, earning a smile from his daughter.

He gathered his book and notepad from the study and returned to the kitchen table with the intention of making notes for his book as his daughter studied however, his mind would not stop going over his earlier argument with Elizabeth. He couldn't help but wonder how he was going to do this without her for a whole year.

Admittedly, she was right that he'd been forced to leave her when they were newlyweds, when he'd been deployed to the Gulf for Desert Storm, but on their first date he had told her how he had joined the ROTC in order to fund his studies and as part of that he'd had to commit to at least 10 years active service. They'd even moved their wedding forward once he'd received his deployment papers so that they could be married before he went - so if the worse happened she would be taken care of as she would receive his benefits. So it wasn't fair of her to use that argument, she had known what she was getting into when she married him. It was the reason why they'd agreed to wait to have kids until he'd finished in the Marines, so they could build a family as a unit without an absentee parent, albeit an absentee parent doing their duty for the country.

She was still doing her Masters when they married and had just accepted a position as a trainee CIA analyst which she would start once she graduated. Perhaps it was he who had been naive at the time in thinking her CIA work would just have her sat behind a desk, because no sooner had things died down in the Gulf and he'd been posted back to the US, she was off to whatever former USSR or Eastern European country that was in the throes of civil war to run operations doing goodness knows what. It was thanks to one of these operations that Stevie had been conceived earlier than planned as the travelling had meant Elizabeth had inadvertently messed up taking her birth control pills due to the change in time zones. One steamy weekend in London to celebrate their wedding anniversary and Stevie had been conceived. Luckily his ROTC commitment to the Marines was coming to an end and he'd give his notice to retire shortly after finding out Elizabeth was pregnant, leaving only a week before Stevie was born. He'd never regretted that decision. As his kids got older and he watched them learn and grow he was just so grateful that he was there in their life to witness everything. He thought Elizabeth had been on the same page.

"Henry!" he heard his wife call and panic washed through him momentarily at the distress in Elizabeth's tone.

"Looks like someone else is sick" Stevie commented in a bored tone not even looking up from her homework.

"Looks like it. I'll be back in a bit" he sighed as realisation hit him and his heart rate returned to normal.

Not 30 seconds later he reached the doorway of their bedroom and his heart ached to find his little noodle curled tightly into her mother's side sobbing her heart out, Jason was sleeping on his wife's other side tightly gripping her thigh, whilst Elizabeth held a used sick bowl looking rather pale and a helpless look.

"Both of them?" he enquired, to which she simply nodded.

Realising what needed to be done he moved towards the bed. "Come on noodle, lets get you into your PJ's and into bed" he spoke softly as he reached to lift his daughter out of their bed.

"No, I want mummy!" she protested weakly as she continued to sob into her mother's shoulder and grabbed her mother's arm tightly.

"Henry, Jason's out of it. I think if you can get the bowl and move the albums I can help Alison with her pyjamas..."

"No mummy, I want to stay here with you!" Alison sobbed.

"I know, sweetheart. We'll just get you changed into your pyjamas and then you can come right back here and snuggle with me and Jason" Elizabeth soothed her daughter softly, Henry noticed how she tenderly stroked her daughter's cheek. Again, he couldn't help but ask himself how she could leave them. Couldn't she see that their children needed her?

"Promise?" his youngest daughter sniffled looking into her mother's eyes earnestly.

"Promise." Elizabeth said and his heart skipped a beat at the warm, loving smile she gave their little noodle.

As Alison started to move from the bed he grabbed the sick bowl and photo albums as Elizabeth pried Jason's arms from her leg before moving out of the bed herself and lifting Alison up and taking her to her room to change into pyjamas.

Whilst Elizabeth changed Alison he rinsed out the sick bowl and checked on his son, concerned that his cheeks were still bright red. However, he was in a deep sleep and that was the best thing for him at the moment. He took the washcloth from his son's head and ran it under the cool tap once again, also preparing a second washcloth for Alison at the same time.

Not 5 minutes later his wife came back into the room carrying a pyjama clad Alison and he watched as she settled both herself and their youngest daughter back into their large bed. His heart melted as almost instantly he saw Jason grab his mother's leg once again and snuggle in closely to her side. He watched Elizabeth as she smoothed her hand over Jason's angelic face and even a blind man could have seen the love she had for her son. Did she really love her job more than her son? What did Iraq have that they didn't? A stab of pain at the betrayal he felt she was making towards her family ran through him, but right now he needed to focus on his sick children.

"You ok, noodle?" Henry asked with concern.

"Yes" Alison replied in a small voice as she pressed herself closer to her mother's side.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Elizabeth asked her daughter and he was dismayed when a look of distress crossed his daughter's face.

"But I haven't found a picture of Granddad and Grandma Adams?" Alison replied in a voice bordering on a cry as she looked up at Elizabeth with tears in her eyes. His heart melted at the sight of his kind, conscientious, daughter being more worried about her homework than her own wellbeing. It was just so Alison.

"It's ok, noodle. We'll write you a note to explain you were too ill to do your homework this weekend" he replied soothingly.

"No daddy, I have to do my homework!" Alison all but wailed as she turned towards him "And I want to hear more stories about the horsies! Mummy, will you tell me stories?" Alison finished as she turned back to look at her mother earnestly.

"We can look at the pictures if you feel up to it, noodle" she agreed gently as she squeezed her daughter's shoulder comfortingly. "Henry, can you..." she asked as she looked up into his eyes and gestured towards the albums that he had moved to the end of the bed earlier. Pain ran through him again at the love and sadness he saw in her eyes. How could she even be contemplating taking the job in Iraq after she'd grown up without parents?

He simply nodded and moved the albums back onto Alison and Elizabeth's laps.

"Thanks" she whispered and he could only nod and leave the room, too choked too say anything. The words from their argument this morning played through his head once again _"If you go, I don't know what it'll look like when you get back"_.

Could he really leave her? There was no doubt he loved her, but was it enough? Some of their friends from college had already divorced and he'd seen the impact it had had on their kids, could he put their kids through the same thing?

"Dad, I've finished!" his eldest daughter's relieved voice called out, breaking him from his thoughts as he returned to the kitchen.

"Alright! Want me to check them?" he asked to which his daughter nodded hesitantly.

He sat down next to his daughter and ran through the problems, pride washing over him as he noted that his daughter had done all the problems correctly. In his mind it was Stevie's teacher that was the problem and he couldn't wait until the year was over and she had a different teacher in middle school. Sadness mixed with a strange sense of panic washed over him as he realised that his eldest daughter would be in middle school soon. Where had the time gone? He still remembered clearing her nose out when she was 2 days old and barely fit his arms, she had been so tiny and delicate and he'd been so scared he would hurt her. Now she was firmly on her way to becoming a teenager and he had a feeling that those years were going to be tough with her fiery spirit and stubbornness.

"How did I do?" Stevie asked apprehensively.

"All correct" he replied proudly with a smile, his heart melting at the relieved expression that came across his daughter's face and the smile that broke out. Her smile that was so much like Elizabeth's.

"Have you got any other homework?" he asked his daughter.

Stevie shrugged "Only reading" she replied nonchantly.

"Seems pretty quiet in here at the moment, do you want to go and sit in the lounge and read?"

"What are you doing?" Stevie enquired.

"I'm just going to read this book and take some notes" he replied.

"Can I read in here with you?" his daughter replied shyly and a wave of love washed over him.

"Sure" he replied with a smile and watched as his daughter pulled the book from her book bag and curled herself up on the seat to read.

He pulled his notepad and book closer and tried to concentrate again, but the discussion he had with Elizabeth in this very room reverberated around his head. He didn't want to hold Elizabeth back in her career, he knew about her parents connection with the CIA and her desire to help make the world a better place, but she'd hit the nail on the head this morning when she'd said the world was falling apart. It seemed this "War on Terror" was not only killing good soldiers, but also the goodness in the people that worked in the intelligence community. Just this year alone 3 of Elizabeth's friends from the CIA had split up or gotten divorced and he didn't want that for his family.

He'd seen what Iraq had done to her last time she was there. Her homecoming had not been like all the other times, usually she walked through the door and grabbed her kids up in the biggest hug. No matter how jetlag she was she always played with them until it was their bedtime and then they would have their own welcome home celebration in their room later. But when she'd returned from Iraq it had been different. She'd worn a haunted look and she'd seemed so lost. She'd barely hugged the children before she'd fled upstairs with tears in her eyes and spent the rest of the day in bed. She'd barely spoken to him for 2 weeks until she finally broke down and told him what she'd ordered to be done to that man. He'd held her as she cried, his heart breaking as he realised she'd sacrificed a part of herself in Iraq. She'd told him then that she never wanted to go back, that she didn't want to be the person she had become over there. He knew what war did to a person, he himself had done a pilgrimage after his time in the Marines to cleanse his sins, and he didn't want that for Elizabeth. He didn't want her to lose herself and every day she went to work he could see that a part of her was being lost, she was losing herself to this "War on Terror" and it petrified him.

"Daddy!"

He was broken from his reverie by the scraping of chair legs and his daughter's uncharacteristic childish voice. Seeing her rush towards the kitchen sink he knew what was happening. He winced as Stevie didn't quite make the sink for the first wave and watched as the vomit hit the kitchen cabinets before she managed to get her head over the sink for subsequent bouts of sickness. He went to his daughter and rubbed her back comfortingly whilst holding her hair back from her face as she heaved.

"It's ok, you're going to be ok" he soothed.

"I'm sorry daddy" she whispered tearfully once she'd finished.

"Hey, it's not your fault" he comforted as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead, noticing that she had the same temperature as Alison and Jason. "Let's get you upstairs and into bed. I'm sure your mum will let you watch a movie with her".

"'Kay" Stevie acquiesced as she let her father lead her upstairs and in the direction of her room. He turned and headed into his room to let Elizabeth know their eldest was also sick, a jolt of worry hitting him as he caught her wiping tears out of her eyes and saw that his little noodle was passed out against her mother's shoulder. Compassion washed over him as he realised that having to look through her photo albums and looking after 2 sick children was obviously taking a toll on Elizabeth.

"3 for 3?" his wife asked as she moved the photo album and Alison's homework to the end of the bed causing Alison to groan in her sleep.

"Yep" he replied simply as he walked over to their TV and DVD player "Stevie is getting changed into her PJ's and I said she could watch a movie up here whilst I clean up downstairs...she didn't quite make it to the sink in time".

Moments later a tearful Stevie walked into her room and flopped on the bed draping herself across Elizabeth's lap and legs.

"I'm sorry, mum" she sobbed "I tried to get to the sink..."

"Shhh, baby. I know, it's ok. It was an accident, it's not your fault" he heard his wife soothe their eldest daughter as he busied himself with setting up the TV. "You can watch a movie up here until you feel better, what do you fancy watching?" Elizabeth asked kindly.

"Can we watch Mulan?" Stevie asked timidly.

A small nostalgic smile appeared on Henry's face as he heard his daughter ask to watch Mulan. He remembered taking her to the cinema to see it when Elizabeth had been pregnant with Alison, it had been one of their last outings as a family of three. Stevie had been engrossed in the movie right from the start and he had loved watching the expressions crossing her face as she watched the movie on the big screen. Stevie had sat between him and Elizabeth and he remembered how his 7.5 month pregnant wife had dozed off during the movie and he'd spent most of his time watching Elizabeth peaceful expression and Stevie's animated one.

"Sure sweetheart" his wife replied brightly, and even he was impressed with the amount of enthusiasm Elizabeth's voice carried as he'd lost count how many times they'd been forced to watch the movie since. He busied himself finding the DVD and placed it in the DVD player, navigating the opening screen to start the movie. He turned around and his heart melted at the sight that greeted him, he wished he had a camera. All three children were curled up around Elizabeth and in that moment she just looked so content and at peace, yet there was an air of sadness hanging over her too. Anger hit him again as he realised that once again Elizabeth was sacrificing herself for the supposed "War on Terror". He couldn't help the resentment he felt that she would sacrifice herself and her family for her job.

"I'd help you, but I'm kinda tied up here" she stated helplessly with a shrug of her one free shoulder.

"Guess we know who the favourite is" he attempted to joke, but even he could hear the bitterness in his own voice.

"Henry..." she began before he cut her off.

"I'll be downstairs" he said as he left the room, worried about what he would say if he stayed.

As he busied himself cleaning the kitchen his thoughts returned to Iraq. He knew his wife was hardworking, ambitious, smart, and oh so very sharp. It amazed him how she could see all sides to every situation and somehow come up with a solution even when there didn't seem to be one. He'd never held her back in her career before, and likewise she had never held him back. He was proud of everything she had achieved. 3 kids, a PhD, no doubt countless lives saved and wars averted with the work she did for the CIA, it was all admirable and part of the reason he loved. But this Station Chief role was just too much and he just couldn't get his head around why she wanted the job.

He thought Elizabeth and he had been on the same page when they'd started a family. Initially his wife had not reacted well to the unexpected pregnancy and she'd been mad when the CIA had informed her they did not want a pregnant analyst in the middle of a war zone and had promptly placed her behind a desk at Langley. Things had changed though after they'd had their first scan and she'd heard Stevie's heartbeat for the first time. She'd become insecure and fearful that the same thing would happen to her that had happened to her mother and she'd become obsessed with finding out what had happened to her parents. He'd never forget the evening after she'd read their file as he'd sat and held her whilst she cried and told him what had happened, that her own parents had been CIA operatives fighting the IRA, but had died trapped in a stable fire on the farm. His own heart broke for the woman he loved and for the in-laws he would never meet.

He remembered how on her first day back at work after Stevie had been born she'd phoned him in tears and demanded that he bring Stevie into see her at lunch time because she couldn't bear to be parted from her small daughter. As he'd been attending Divinity School at the time he'd happily agreed to look after Stevie inbetween classes and had taken his daughter to see her mother at lunch time. He recalled how the next day a CIA tech team had turned up on their doorstep and fitted cameras in Stevie's room, the living room, and kitchen, so that Elizabeth could watch her daughter from her desk. The same thing had happened in Alison and Jason's room after they'd been born, and although it meant he and Elizabeth had to be careful where they were intimate, he truly didn't mind the fact that Elizabeth could spy on them whenever she wanted and he'd never asked questions on how she'd managed to convince a CIA tech team to bug their home. To him it was just an indication of how much she loved and cared for her children. It had also been at Elizabeth insistence that she only have a desk job at Langley after Stevie had been born and she'd barely travelled until 9/11.

But then things had changed. At the beginning of 2001 Elizabeth had been pregnant and had been so happy and full of life knowing that she was carrying her longed for son and had two beautiful healthy daughters to boot. The joy in her eyes the first time she'd held Jason was palpable and the summer of 2001 had been one of their happiest times. Her maternity leave had ended only 9 days before 9/11 happened and since then he'd had to watch as his wife got pulled further and further into the war on terror. He'd witnessed how Conrad had placed more and more pressure on her and how she had ended up leaving her family again and again for increasingly frequent trips to the middle east. He'd witnessed the joy and happiness fade from her eyes and be replaced with pain, anger, and confusion as the CIA changed, as she struggled with her own ethical dilemmas and tried to reconcile her own morals with that of an organisation that had changed beyond belief.

He wanted to support his wife, he really did, but he just couldn't. Exactly when did duty and commitment to your country end and duty and commitment to your family take precedence? When was enough enough, because he was pretty sure they were almost there.

Anger consumed him and he made up his mind. He was going to play the husband card and she was going to have to choose between her job and her family, because he'd meant what he'd said this morning, he didn't know what things would look like when she got back because he didn't know who she'd be when she got back. He was a cradle Catholic and he took his marriage vows seriously, he honestly believed on the day he got married that he and Elizabeth would be together until death parted them, that they could work through anything together. He never thought that he and Elizabeth would ever get to this point, that he would be considering leaving her. He never thought he'd use the husband card. Playing it might be chauvinistic, archaic, and selfish, but he couldn't stand the pain anymore of watching the woman he loved destroy herself over something she couldn't control. He knew now was not the best time to talk to his wife with the kids being sick, but right now he was filled with rage and indignation and he had to try and get her to understand his point of view - time was running out after all. With the kitchen clean he headed upstairs and into his bedroom.

"They're all out?" he asked, the sight of his children sick and sleeping on his bed abating his anger and frustration momentarily as concern for his children washed over him.

"Looks like it" his wife replied, pausing before she continued. "I'm not their favourite Henry, you know tomorrow will be different. Today they wanted me, tomorrow they'll want you".

He stood awkwardly by the bed unsure of what to say. Now that he was here he didn't know how to start the conversation he knew they needed to have.

"Join us?" she asked breaking the awkward silence that had fallen between them and he noted the hopeful expression on her face. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen that expression and a spark of hope ignited in him too. He suddenly felt scared as he knew that this conversation was going to be a crossroad in their relationship, rationality came over him as he realised he needed more time to think, to plan. This decision would not just affect him and Elizabeth, but their kids too.

"I've got some..." he began in an effort to get back downstairs so he could calm himself down, but his wife cut him off.

"Please?"

He was taken aback by the pleading tone in her voice. Pleading was not something that Elizabeth McCord did often and despite how he was feeling he decided to stay for a few minutes.

"Bet you can't wait to get to Baghdad after today" he couldn't help but comment bitterly as he joined them on the bed. Now that he was sat next to her he just felt so angry and bitter about the whole situation, and not trusting himself to say anything further, he turned to watch the movie as a stony silence fell between them. After a few moments shame washed over him at his comment. This was not them. They prided themselves on having an open and honest relationship, it wasn't easy, but it was how they did things. They didn't snipe, they didn't goad, they were just painfully honest and open. Except for now. Now was new territory as they sat in resentful silence.

"I thought I'd get fired" Elizabeth's quiet voice broke the silence after a few minutes.

"Huh?" he queried as he turned to face her, confusion written across his face.

"When I wrote that report, I thought I'd get fired. I mean, I wrote a report criticising the US government, telling them that their actions were wrong, pointing out just how many Geneva Conventions they were breaking, telling the government that we were as bad as them. I thought they'd fire me, I even joked about it with Juliet as I waited for the lift to take me to Conrad's office. I was so sure they'd fire me. I didn't think...Promotion was the last thing I was expecting" she finished softly, turning to meet his eyes.

He was taken aback by the vulnerability he saw there and her statement had done nothing to alleviate his confusion "Why would you do something like that?"

Elizabeth looked away and stared into the distance "Because everything has changed. It's not the same CIA it was when I joined. The integrity has been lost, the ethics have gone. Everyone is so desperate to capture Bin Laden, to get revenge for what happened to those people in the Towers, in the Pentagon, and in United 93, to make up for our failures that lead to those people being killed, that no-one cares how it gets done" she whispered angrily.

"Elizabeth..." he began, compassion, despair, and a small amount of hope replacing the anger and frustration he had been feeling. Could it be that his wife was starting to realise what this War on Terror was costing her? Was she finally realising what her job was doing to her, that it was slowly destroying her and by extension their family? Before he could continue his wife cut him off.

"You know what happened when I went to Baghdad. I don't want to be that person, Henry. I don't want to lose anymore of my integrity or beliefs. I don't know how much longer I can continue to compromise my ethics " she said and his heart broke a little at the shame and fear that had crept into her voice. A wave of love ran through him in that moment as he watched her turn her head to double check their children were still sound asleep and wouldn't have to hear their conversation.

Henry recognised that something had happened to Elizabeth this afternoon, looking into her eyes her soul was bared open to him and it made his heart ache and it took his breath away. She looked so conflicted, pained, and insecure. Not wanting to break the moment he squeezed her shoulder reassuringly and she turned her head towards him.

"So quit." he said simply. A mixture of relief at finally being able to say the words he'd wanted to for so long together with fear that she would hate him for making her quit ran through him.

"I can't!" she exclaimed "I've never quit anything in my life..." she trailed off, her beautiful blue eyes boring into his desperately.

He knew how Elizabeth felt. They were overachievers, the top brains in their fields, they didn't quit anything. But it occurred to him suddenly that he'd never heard Elizabeth say that _she_ actually wanted the job. She'd told him that Conrad was relying on her, that it was the next step up for her, that she couldn't go backwards, how she'd thought she'd get fired for writing the report. But at no point had she herself said she wanted the job.

"Elizabeth, do _you_ want this job?" he asked her seriously. He needed to get her to consider if _she_ wanted the job. If she did then he would try his best to wait for her in light of her recent confession, he would continue to fight for her for as long as he could, although in his heart of hearts he knew their marriage would end if she went to Iraq as it would destroy her.

Elizabeth stared up at him with her mouth agape and he'd never seen her look so conflicted or lost. His heart broke a little more as the ramifications of 9/11 were once again felt in their lives. But this he could do, now they were talking and being open and honest, now they were back to being them, he could help his wife figure out what she wanted. Not what Conrad wanted, not what he wanted, but what _she_ wanted.

"You said you wrote that report thinking that you'd get fired, that it would be a way out, but it wasn't. So what do _you_ want Elizabeth?" he pushed her.

"Conrad..." she began

"No, Elizabeth. This isn't about what Conrad wants, or what I want, this is about what _you_ want" he pushed further. He waited with bated breath and watched the emotions flicker through his wife's eyes as he waited for her response.

"No" she whispered.

Relief and happiness washed through Henry. He knew right then and there that they were going to be ok. They'd reached the crossroad and made their turn together in life once again.

"Then you're going to have to quit, babe. There's a first time for everything" he reassured, squeezing her shoulder as a small smile appeared on his face.

"You won't be mad at me for quitting?" Elizabeth asked in a small voice.

Henry peered into her eyes earnestly. "Remember what I said this morning. 'Where there's no integrity in the situation you find it in yourself to change the world right where you're standing'. That's what you're doing, babe. You're finding your integrity and who knows how that will change the world? You can't deny it will cause a ripple in the CIA and a ripple is all it takes for a tsunami to grow. How could I be mad at you for that?"

Henry watched the relieved expression as it appeared on his wife's face and felt the tension ease from her body. Love and pride for Elizabeth ran through him as he realised for the first time in years his wife was doing something for her.

"Ok, so I'm going to quit" she confirmed in a strong voice full of conviction.

His smile widened as she reaffirmed her decision, but he couldn't help but wonder what his wife would do instead. She was a person of action, and although he knew how much she loved her children, she was never going to be a stay at home mum. Her mind needed to be challenged.

"So, what are you going to do instead?" he asked inquisitively.

"I don't..." his wife began before her voice drifted off for a few moments. He saw her eyes move towards the photo albums and he wondered what her wonderful mind was thinking off.

"We're going to buy a horse farm" she stated matter of factly.

Surprise and amusement ran through Henry at her suggestion. "A horse farm, huh?" But as he took in the expression on his wife's face his mood became more focused "You're serious?"

"Yes, it'll be great. We can all get horses and the kids can..." she began enthusiastically before her sentence trailed off.

"Henry!" she exclaimed in a panicked tone.

Noticing his wife's suddenly rosy complexion and the fear in her eyes he quickly grabbed the sick bowl and had just got it in place as his wife heaved.

"It's ok babe, you're going to be ok" he soothed as he rubbed his wife's back. He knew with the way the kids were positioned it must be difficult for her to be sick so he did the best he could to support her.

Once she had finished he helped her rest back against the headboard. After a moment she opened her eyes and his breath caught in his throat at the clear blue of her eyes. Despite what had happened only moments ago she looked freer and happier then she had for years and it took his breath away. Already he could see his wife was starting to come back to him.

"4 for 4" she offered with a weak smile and he couldn't help but lean forward to brush a tender kiss on her forehead. He moved off the bed and headed towards their ensuite to take care of the bowl. Once done he prepared another washcloth for his wife, placing it on her head as he returned to their bedroom, and lowered himself back onto the bed. This time he draped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, peace and contentment coming over him as he was surrounded by family. If he'd known it would only take a horse farm to get his wife to quit the CIA he would have brought one years ago! After all, he just wanted the love of his life and his children to be happy.

Now if he could just avoid this sickness bug...

* * *

 _Well that's it folks! I hoped you enjoyed it and reviews are appreciated._


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